When Being Right is Wrong...

The other day I expressed my views on a particular subject that did not sit well with my listener. I became adamant, even forceful with my views. In my heart of hearts I truly believed that I was right. Sort of still do. But my insistence on being right caused much tension and stress for my listener. Couldn't I just agree? Would I have diminished in some capacity? Because what I believed wasn't accepted does that mean that my perspective was wrong? No. No one can take away my belief. And it is okay to let someone else be right. But it is wrong to try and make someone see what I believe- when they choose not to accept it,- just in the name of being right. Cause quietly kept, they have a right to believe what they choose. And no matter what I may think or believe, I've got to respect that. Period.  Today, I choose to let others be right. I will allow people the opportunity to agree or even disagree with me. This is right..Anything else, I believe, would be wrong....

So Much Time Lost...

Sometimes I'll walk around the house and look at pictures of events without me in them. Or listen to my family talk about how much fun they had doing this or that, at a time I wasn't around. No. I don't blame them. And am very happy that their life went on during a period when I dedicated all my time to drugs rather than to them. I carry much pain knowing that I was not around because of irresponsible decisions I made. My wife and family are the most amazing people. They always have been. And I left them anyway.  And what breaks me down to lowest common denominator is they have surrounded me with love and all the support I could ever want or need. So today, they come first. Whatever I can do for them, I will. They are my greatest asset. And whatever time I have left on this planet will be dedicated to them. No more time lost...

Forgiveness

In order to move forward, one must learn the art of forgiveness. This is an imperative, a must do, a step in ones life, that, unless exercised, there can be no forward movement.
Just recently, I found out that I was carrying dark feelings in my heart toward someone I believed I'd forgiven. Its toxic presence within me was causing major tension in my home life. I'd cultivated years of energy just to maintain my hatred for this individual. But, I came to realization that I was about to loose more in my life if I could not find the strength and courage to let go. Being able to forgive is a sign of strength, growth and courage. We live in a society that believes in revenge and payback, tit-for-tat. You stab me, I stab you back.
No wonder we're bleeding all over the place.
Let it go...that's what I said to myself.
Help me let it go...this is what I said to my God. After doing this, it was like tending to a festering wound. There was immediate relief. I knew that there would always be a scar. But I knew that soon there would no longer be anymore pain.
Forgiveness is not an easy thing. It is necessary, though. Especially if healing is something you want in your life.

Love is what you do...

Recently I spoke about telling people in your life that you love them. I still stand by this statement. But, I also believe that showing people in our lives that we love them is the most important of all. You see, I used to say
"I love you" to those in my life while at the same time I was constantly hurting them, constantly letting them down. My actions did not equal what I said.Whatever I was giving, it wasn't love. I believe now, that love,  is more than just a feeling. Love, true love, is what you do. It causes action. Telling them you love them is necessary. Showing them you love them is imperative. Oh, by the way, Real Love don't hurt. People do the hurting. Love heals, uplifts, cleanses. It comforts, embraces and corrects. Love will direct you, enable you and strengthen you. Love doesn't hurt you...rejecting love does.
Today, more than just saying, do love. Do it. Cause love is so much more than what we feel or say...Love is what we do...

Hope is not a Wishlist..

Hope isn't wishful thinking.  It's a knowing and an understanding that life will get better. It's a choice. You see, I wish for a Range Rover and an unlimited gift card to HomeDepot. (I've been bitten by the home improvement bug) But the hope I have exists primarily because I make different decisions today. I choose to live by faith more than I do by fear. I don't  pretend that I have no fears. I just try not to allow my fears to decide for me. Do I slip periodically? Oh hell yeah! Ask my wife. But, the seeds of faith I've planted are growing, getting taller and stronger. I can see the results in my life like a garden cultivated. It gives me strength...It gives me joy...It gives me hope...

Tell them you love them...

Is there someone in your life that you love? Be sure to let them know that. Be sure to tell them that you love them. There is no way of knowing when our time on this planet will come to an end. When the people we love leave the house going about their business, we cannot be sure that they'll make it home. I'm not trying to be morbid. I've just lost people in my life that I wish were still here to see that I understand that being alive is precious, that loving is precious. That whatever it is we hold onto that keeps us from reaching out, be it anger, resentments, old hurts, is small compared to not having that person, you love, in your life. Our greatest asset and our greatest strength is Love. Do you love someone? Don't forget to let them know that you do...

Knowing is not enough...

My knowledge that my father was dying caused no change in my destructive lifestyle.
I knew where he was.
I knew he was going to pass away very soon.
But this knowledge did not stop me from walking right by the very convalescent home he was in. Walked right on by, just to score drugs.
Just walked right by man! got my shit and left.
Can you believe that? Maybe you can. Maybe you've been apart of the same type of insanity.
I don't know.
I do know this: if it was not for God's grace and my family's love, I might still be mired in that same viscous cycle. But, I've been given a reprieve. Every once and a while it requires me to get on my knees. I'm not saying you must do the same thing. Just sharing that I believe that a "Higher-than-myself" had to intervene. And if you decide to stop by again, you'll get the chance to hear how others did for me what I could not do for myself.

2gether we can

My entire reason for creating this blog is to allow people who have been through the hell of "active addiction" to know that there is someone out there who understands. Someone who has, himself, been through that same hell. You see, for 21 long years I made decisions that kept me imprisoned in sick, neurotic, toxic environments. I left all things behind that I was taught to be sacred. I found myself alone, lost and in more pain than I ever believed one heart could hold. I did, however, make it out of this self made abyss. Not by my design, nor by anything I could ever have orchestrated. I write to share with anyone who wants and/or who may need to hear about another's experience, similar to theirs and how, perhaps, by reading, they too can make it out.

Love Lifted Me

Eventually, the knowledge that my Dad was dying, was a major cause in my making the decision to change my life, to change the way I lived. I say eventually because I was aware that he was very sick for quite some time and still made no real effort to see him. Oh, I loved my Dad. But at the time, I loved my drugs even more. And if it wasn't for the diligence and concern of my family, I think that there is a very real chance I could still be out there, living for and loving my drugs.

So I guess when his health took a turn for the worse, my family collectively said - in so many words - enough is enough!! They came and They got me. Where was I gotten' from? Well, I like to call it "The Center of the Abyss". But actually on a map its called North Hills, Ca., located in the San Fernando Valley. Once upon a time its greatest commodity used to be drugs and prostitution. Yet even though it wasn't the same place it used to be, didn't stop me from hanging around. It was a place that I chose to frequent - off and on - for 21 years!
Wow!
So my family had to do for me what I could not do for myself: They came and got my stupid-ass. My baby brother flew out form Japan armed with only 2 knives, my only child (He's 21) and a promise that he made to our dying father that he would find me.
They even went on the side of the 405 fwy (offramp Roscoe Bl) where I frequently slept, looking for me...On the side of the freeway...for me! That's love.
And that is what ultimately broke me.
But, it was my ex-wife, who, having been expose to my drug usage(over-exposed, actually. That's why she's my ex) and having an idea of my drug related meanderings, who found me. She sat right in the parking-lot where the busiest of drug activity took place. She was asked by family, my son included, not to go out by herself looking for me. Especially at 12:30 at night. But she went. You know, to get my stupid-ass. Cause before she left the house, she prayed. And she found me. And even though she went by herself...But she didn't go alone.