Knowing is not enough...

My knowledge that my father was dying caused no change in my destructive lifestyle.
I knew where he was.
I knew he was going to pass away very soon.
But this knowledge did not stop me from walking right by the very convalescent home he was in. Walked right on by, just to score drugs.
Just walked right by man! got my shit and left.
Can you believe that? Maybe you can. Maybe you've been apart of the same type of insanity.
I don't know.
I do know this: if it was not for God's grace and my family's love, I might still be mired in that same viscous cycle. But, I've been given a reprieve. Every once and a while it requires me to get on my knees. I'm not saying you must do the same thing. Just sharing that I believe that a "Higher-than-myself" had to intervene. And if you decide to stop by again, you'll get the chance to hear how others did for me what I could not do for myself.

2gether we can

My entire reason for creating this blog is to allow people who have been through the hell of "active addiction" to know that there is someone out there who understands. Someone who has, himself, been through that same hell. You see, for 21 long years I made decisions that kept me imprisoned in sick, neurotic, toxic environments. I left all things behind that I was taught to be sacred. I found myself alone, lost and in more pain than I ever believed one heart could hold. I did, however, make it out of this self made abyss. Not by my design, nor by anything I could ever have orchestrated. I write to share with anyone who wants and/or who may need to hear about another's experience, similar to theirs and how, perhaps, by reading, they too can make it out.

Love Lifted Me

Eventually, the knowledge that my Dad was dying, was a major cause in my making the decision to change my life, to change the way I lived. I say eventually because I was aware that he was very sick for quite some time and still made no real effort to see him. Oh, I loved my Dad. But at the time, I loved my drugs even more. And if it wasn't for the diligence and concern of my family, I think that there is a very real chance I could still be out there, living for and loving my drugs.

So I guess when his health took a turn for the worse, my family collectively said - in so many words - enough is enough!! They came and They got me. Where was I gotten' from? Well, I like to call it "The Center of the Abyss". But actually on a map its called North Hills, Ca., located in the San Fernando Valley. Once upon a time its greatest commodity used to be drugs and prostitution. Yet even though it wasn't the same place it used to be, didn't stop me from hanging around. It was a place that I chose to frequent - off and on - for 21 years!
Wow!
So my family had to do for me what I could not do for myself: They came and got my stupid-ass. My baby brother flew out form Japan armed with only 2 knives, my only child (He's 21) and a promise that he made to our dying father that he would find me.
They even went on the side of the 405 fwy (offramp Roscoe Bl) where I frequently slept, looking for me...On the side of the freeway...for me! That's love.
And that is what ultimately broke me.
But, it was my ex-wife, who, having been expose to my drug usage(over-exposed, actually. That's why she's my ex) and having an idea of my drug related meanderings, who found me. She sat right in the parking-lot where the busiest of drug activity took place. She was asked by family, my son included, not to go out by herself looking for me. Especially at 12:30 at night. But she went. You know, to get my stupid-ass. Cause before she left the house, she prayed. And she found me. And even though she went by herself...But she didn't go alone.