7/20/2010

Feels Like A Lifetime...

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I've been away for a while and a gnawing guilt eats at me. Why? Cause I understand that in these pages lies something deeper than even I can phathom.
But life shows up. And considering I practice being responsible, daily, I must respond accordingly. One of life's responses was welcoming into this world my first grandchild.
Yes. When I mention this chills cover my skin. Will that ever stop?


Anyway, like I was saying, I must write. I must. On this vehicle of communication is the opportunity to speak about things that, in general, most people don't even want to hear. But, I get that though.

Like the other day I was taking the kids on a nature hike behing the house. Man, we saw cotton-tail rabbits, quail and a very-long-snake leisurely crossing the trail. It was a very startling sight to the children. Some with fascination and some with fear. But it was the next thing I saw that caused my stomach to flip. After the, "eewww" and the "wows" over the snake, we came upon a camp, obvious even to the smallest child, that once belonged to someone homeless. And I saw myself.

I saw a filthy mattress and discarded cans of some food. I saw a chair that no one would sit and blankets, crusty, that smelled from the distance I stood. A backpack and clothes with more dirt than the original cloth it was made with. I saw a place where someone lonely and hurting and full of shamed slepted. Someone who disappointed loved ones and sabotaged every success that came their way. A person that the only thing they knew about hope, was the way it was spelled. I saw myself. And I was startled as if a venemous snake was thrust in my face. I had almost forgotten what it looked like to see such pitiful living quarters. It felt like a lifetime ago.

I mean I'm holding grandbaby's now and doing home improvement. I'm working all day and filling in wherever my family needs me to. How could I've forgotten about a life I lived longer than the life I live now? Well, I guess (actually I know!) that God is very good and He gives what is needed exactly when it is needed. Cause it brought me back to these pages. Writing about things that I need to write about. So I'll never forget about feeling the way I used to... and the places I never again want to go.

1 comments:

MICHELLE RENEE' said...

You must never forget...Remembering is what keeps your striving for more....

as painful as that may have been...Im glad GOD brought you to it.

This quote is on one of my blogs....thought I'd share..

I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.
Sophia Loren

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